Saturday, 15 August 2015

Am I Conservative?

I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't have tattoos, I've never dyed my hair, I drink rarely and not a lot by some standards, I don't have sex, I don't do anything outright unnatural to my body as such. So why DO I feel so unvirtuous? On paper, this makes me sound like some sort of... good little straight edged conservative nark. Putting that all together just now has made me stop and think- Wait, am I? And if so, why do I feel like such a 'gross human being' in comparison to all my friends who do, do these things?

Sophie captioned her instagram picture on my birthday "Happy Birthday to this shining paragon of virtue" which I laughed at and thought 'if only!' But now... doth the lady speaketh the truth?
Its the things like not washing my hair when I know its overdue for a wash by 2 days. Or re wearing socks if I only wore them for half a day. Or scratching the polish off 6/10 nails and just leaving it looking like a dog did my mani. Its the things like when I drop food on the floor and still eat it. Or when I cough and spit into an empty glass/bowl/dish thats nearby because i'm too l-a-z-y to get a tissue. Or when I get my period on my towel/bedding/pajamas and continue to use/wear them for another week. Especially acne/bacne/chacne makes me feel like a gross human being. Like, I don't deserve friends, let alone instagram followers or A BOYFRIEND, gross human being. I have to hide all of these disgusting habits from people incase they realize what a terrible and hell riddled person I am and the nation rules to burn me at the stake!!!!!!!!

To me, I am a very dirty, gross, unkempt person with sinful secrets. But to everyone else, i'm slowly realizing, textbook speaking, I am a shining paragon of virtue.

This leads me to believe either one of two things are true; my acting is FANTASTIC and I have unbeknownst to me fooled EVERYONE for years and no one has discovered the crazy person I really am. Or, i'm not really as wild as I thought.. and I need to go out and get a buzzcut and dye the leftovers orange and get a nose piercing (oh yeah I don't have a single piercing) and have sex like a man and experiment with drugs and spend over saving and start being hmmmmm reckless? Is that the word i'm looking for? I don't know! Is that what i'm supposed to do? I don't know! Do I need to live less...conservatively? As I said dying my hair even a shade darker or lighter is like A HUGE LIFE DECISION TO CONSIDER VERY CAREFULLY.

I guess, what I am trying to say is that I have steered myself away from those things typically considered radical, unvirtuous or bad. So why do I still feel like I am a negative representation on humanity?

Although I don't feel virtuous, perhaps I actually am?? Thoughts anyone?